While studies evaluating the safety, tolerability, and efficacy of messenger RNA vaccines have demonstrated that preventing symptomatic infections of coronavirus is a reality, they have failed to take into consideration the significant factor of goblins (Demonae Dubiosotesteverde.)
Goblins have long been commonplace and, although weak in combat, capable of damage (Dungeons & Dragons, 1978). They are known to serve brutal and dangerous (although perhaps, arguably, also disembodied) dictators such as Sauron, the Dark Lord of Mordor (Tolkien, 1954). They can cause old women to spill their drinks on themselves (Shakespeare, 1895), premature aging (Rosetti, 1862), or the genitalia to turn green (Borat 2020). Tall, blonde, and glamorous goblins with mullet haircuts, while breaking out in song, will banish teenagers to bogs that smell of fecal matter, among other things (Lucas & Henson, 1986). Evidence also suggests that goblins blow out candles used in Jewish rituals, scare people from worshipping in synagogues, and throw potato latkes on the floor (Kimmel, 1989).
Given such widely known documentation, Pfizer, BioNTech, and Moderna scientists should take into account what the goblins might do to those receiving vaccines against COVID-19. In this paper, we review human clinical trials of vaccine candidates and discuss potential methodologies for controlling against goblin risk.
Scientists must critically assess the possible weaknesses of vaccinations that use messenger RNA, which teaches the cells to make proteins that trigger an immune response.
Those that received vaccines against Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome (SARS-CoV) and Middle East Respiratory Syndrome (MERS-CoV), which share similar features with COVID-19, maintained antibodies at high levels for only around 30 weeks, which is highly suggestive of goblin interference. Moreover, two out of ten million vaccine recipients reported experiencing side effects such as ruined potato latkes, premature aging, drink spilling, mis-coloration of the testicles or labia, and/or being smothered in fecal odors.
The author of this study posits that most, if not all, Pfizer, BioNTech, and Moderna vaccine recipients will die after sufficient time has elapsed; it remains unclear why scientists have not waited to confirm that no vaccine recipient deaths result from goblin activity. While none of those that received SARS or MERS vaccines reported any fatalities due to goblin events in the years subsequent, this does not mean that they never occurred, considering the challenges that the dead must overcome in order to communicate with the living. Meanwhile, goblins are notoriously gifted at hiding from human beings when causing mischief.
To better identify goblins and account for their activities, Pfizer, BioNTech, and Moderna scientists need to revamp their clinical trials in any of the following ways.
1) Researchers could first attain more knowledge (ideally, omniscience,) by following the footsteps of the Norse god Odin and offering their eyes to Mimir, who guards the waters of wisdom, in exchange for a drink. This plan would be relatively uncomplicated, if information were available about how to find Mimir (Sturluson, 1842).
2) Alternatively, the goblins might be persuaded to leave humanity alone, on condition that scientists find their way through a labyrinth. (Note that the labyrinth problem can be solved by making friends with sweet-tempered, fanged beasts and with dwarves that urinate in ponds, among other things.) (Lucas & Henson, 1986).
3) Kimmel (1989) indicated that if scientists retrieve goblin specimens and induce them to perform a task anathema to goblins, such as lighting a Menorah, this also can eliminate the threat.
4) With the help of a mentor, such as the wizard Gandalf (Tolkien, 1954), scientists might canvas an army to go to war against the goblins before it is too late. However, the researchers might want to engage in military training, and perhaps also muscle-building, before taking such an approach.
While such measures might sound at first daunting, it is of critical importance that scientists succeed in anticipating every possible risk associated with COVID-19 vaccinations, or they will never again persuade the public to trust their assurances about the safety of medical breakthroughs. It is highly recommended that scientists engage in the frequent examination of any surprising hues that their testicles or labia might take while conducting research. By including the above-mentioned considerations of goblin risk, we are confident that scientists can show that mRNA vaccines will be a safe and effective countermeasure to COVID-19 in the future.
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