20) Wait, who’s that guy? Didn’t that guy die five movies ago?
19) Just because everyone else jumped their cars off a cliff, does that mean Dom has to do it, too?
18) Is this the same 1970 Dodge Charger that escaped an oncoming train seven years ago, rolling four to six times with 900 horsepower velocity, generating its own volcanic-level dust clouds? How is it here? Did slow motion cushion the impact? Also, I somehow remember cars better than people?
17) If you’re on Interpol’s most wanted list, is it tough to get car insurance? Would a free estimate from The General be a trace-able phone call?
16) Exactly how early is too early to push the nitro boost button? Should you wait for a clear signal, such as the opening bars of a high-octane banger from Funkmaster Flex?
15) How do fashion models keep ending up at these car rallies, especially in the desert? Where are their sun hats?
14) Is this camera angle known as “Ass Eye View”?
13) What does “Ride or Die” mean? Wouldn’t you always pick Ride?
12) Do embroidered jeans still convey “douchebag?”
11) What is The Rock’s skincare routine? Also, if his primary form of exercise is driving, could I look like that?
10) Why does Dom always say, “Never turn your back on family” and then immediately entreat family members to leap out of the sunroof? And then drive away? Could I do that?
9) With four sets of twin-turbos roaring at the start line in this RX7 street race, vibrating the asphalt, the sheet metal, and onlookers’ silver fillings with a collective 25,000 rpm—how can we somehow hear giggles from the fashion models frolicking in that garden hose? Also, who’s paying for that water?
8) How did Ludacris transform from “guy who holds the cash during the race” to world-class computer hacker? Could I make a dramatic career change like that?
7) Is the crossbow the best weaponry for a gas tanker heist? When a vexed but undaunted truck driver plows several dozen minivans into the ditch, should we suspect that 2 to 65 civilians have perished? Or found out the hard way that their warranties have expired? Also, would Dom really use his most collectible car, the 1987 Buick GNX, in a hijacking? Surely, he knows it should be driven only around the block on Sundays at 20 mph after a nice wash in the driveway?
6) How does Vin Diesel’s voice lack any inflection whatsoever? Is the WebMd search bar sophisticated enough to guess what I mean by “nodes?” Why is this fiddly bar so small? Are my fingers big? Where are my reading glasses?
5) When producers cast Guardians of the Galaxy, were they like, “We’ve seen your work and we need someone totally wooden to play this tree?”
4) How will those fashion models get home from the desert? Could someone invent Uber so they don’t get chilly? The temperature really drops like a stone, doesn’t it?
3) Am I supposed to like these characters? And do I? Because of the slow-motion walking? What is wrong with me?
2) I’ve seen ALL of these movies before? Was I on a plane? Or high?
1) Wait, who’s that guy?
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