Last weekend my daughter randomly giggled and asked, “Mom-
Did I tell you the dumb thing Dad said when the two of us were on that school
trip to Europe last year?”
I found this to be immediately suspect considering her
selected phrasing of “dumb thing.” As in singular? Unlikely.
“In front of everyone, Dad was trying to be funny and said,
‘The name’s James…Bond James.’ I haven’t even seen the movies and I knew he
jacked it up.” I just stared off.
Mike’s inability to recollect the vernacular of even the
most remedial phrases is my second favorite thing about him. The first is
personal. I decided to call my mother to tell her since she thinks Mike is the
funniest person on earth. (Personally, I think she is just as ass-kisser and
doesn’t want to cough up the rest of my dowry.)
Mom: “Snort. Hysterical laughter. Er-in- Isn’t he just the
funniest person on earth! Snort.” Called it.
Me: “He’s okay. (Filing a rough spot on my nail. Holding
phone against my shoulder.) What are you doing today?”
Mom: (Super cheerful) “Your sister and I are going to my favorite bathhouse together in a bad part of town. You know the one I have been going to for years. She is SO excited!”
Me: (Sitting up straight, eyes narrowed) “Thanks for the
invite you guys! I think it is super cool that you and Erika are spending
quality time together without me. Are you also getting massages by the lady who
sells tamales by the stadium on her days off?” What in the ever-loving fuck?
Am I on glue? I am pretty sure it was me who took her to get her two designer
cats to strategically jockey myself into position of favorite child.
Mom: “Oh Er-in, don’t be ridiculous, I love all you kids and
my cats exactly the same. It is just that you are a little too uppity for these
types of places. You don’t really fit in here sweetheart.”
Me: “Nice try Mom. Why don’t you just tell me that you want
to see Erika naked and not me. This is seriously so messed up. Just because I
keep my lady garden perfectly manicured, you think I can’t relate to a bunch of
women with giant, unkept bushes. This is EXACTLY the kind of shit that drives
Mom: “Well, you actually would fit in there a little better since
you got that tattoo. Everyone there has tattoos, like it is just soooo
original to defile your body! I honestly cannot believe you did that.”
Me: Oh My God Mom- I have a little, tiny wave on my wrist.
Big deal. But since we are on the subject, I especially liked when your
husband informed me I “ruined my body” as soon as he saw it. I had no idea my
stepfather had such strong feelings for me.”
Mom: “Bob still loves you Er-in. We just think is such
a shame you chose to do that. (Pauses and sighs) Well, I suppose you can come
if you really want to. Just be sure to park at the adult bookstore and not
across the street with all the homeless people unless you have a bunch of one
dollar bills. They are my friends, but sometimes they keep me standing there
forever.” Jesus Christ. Me rubbing temples, just thinking of my beautiful, tiny,
vegan, hippie Mom dolling out money to a bunch of tweakers and hookers at
night. I made a mental note to start looking into homes for her.
Me: “Oh, I can’t make it. I am going to yoga. Besides I just
spray-tanned and had my eyelashes done. I don’t want the steam to ruin them. I
hope you and Erika have a pleasant time bush bumping. I would definitely
consider starting a broad-spectrum antibiotic tomorrow.”
Mom: “Okay Honey! Maybe next time! I Love You!”
Me: “I Love You Too Mom.”
I spoke to my sister the next day. At first, I thought it
was kind of shitty that Erika kept prefacing the deets with: “My Mom and
I blah blah blah…” However, my jealousy subsided after she told me about their
foot detox. Apparently, Rainbow Eye Bull Skull (the woman who manages the foot
detoxing department) had no idea Erika’s Mom even had any kids. Apparently, Erika’s
Mom always only talks about her cats.